Blogger.com
June 13th, 2006
7:28PM
So it two months have passed and I am exhausted. School ends in about a week or so, and I cannot wait until that day comes. A lot has happened within the two months. For starters, a week or two after my breakdown about Jude in April, I told my coach that I was not going to be able to play softball for the rest of the school year. She looked disappointed though she looked like she knew that there had to be something wrong, so she curiously asked why. I was in her office when I told her, so I closed the door behind me and told her that there was personal reason why I am deciding to quit the team. Looking straight at me, she said that if I need any help that she is always there for me, as my coach or as a friend that I can depend on her for anything. I said thanks, and just left the room feeling terrible about the decision I had made.
After our conversation, I started to feel nauseous. I headed into the girls bathroom and was in front of the sink, in a position where I was ready to vomit. I looked at myself in the mirror, tears forming in my eyes, trying to figure out where all the pain is coming from. As I was looking at in the mirror, I start rubbing my stomach under my baggy sweater. I can feel how it has gotten bigger than it was two months ago. My stomach started irritating me, causing me to cough so much that I dropped my stuff and ran into the stall, leaned against the toilet and started throwing up. It was about 4 o’clock in the after noon, so I figured nobody would be around to hear me in the bathroom.
And so I thought…
That was when this girl walked into the bathroom. I didn't pay her any mind for the simple fact I was dealing with my own problem and did not want her to get involved. I continued to throw up after five minutes, and then finally came to a stop. I cleaned myself up from the sink and started to gather my things until the girl asked me if I were okay. I looked at her for a moment and recognized her from one of my classes. It is a very big class so I wasn’t able to remember her name. I responded to her telling her I “yeah, I’m fine,”
She quickly replied saying, “are you sure? I can get help if you want?”
I told her “it’s fine, it’s fine.”
As I left the bathroom, I told “thanks… for being concerned and all.”
After walking out of the school, I started to feel a little better.
Thirty minutes later, I got myself thinking about this baby and what to do.
I locked myself in my bedroom for the past couple of hours- ever since I got back from school. I took a shower, changed my clothes and started to clean up my room. Cleaning up is an odd way for me to get stuff out of my mind. I just tried to keep myself busy, but every time I passed by the mirror, I couldn't stop looking at my self.
I paused for a moment and started lifting up my shirt. In my head, I’m thinking “I can’t believe this is happening.” I mean for a sixteen year old girl, my stomach has gotten pretty big for the past few months.
Mom and dad do not know about my situation yet. I am too scared to tell them what happened to me. The way they are going to react is going to be too much stress on me, knowing how they might deal with me. They are going tell me how irresponsible I am like how every other parent would tell their pregnant child. Though in the long run I just hope, WISH, they could just help and support me as I am trying to carry this baby….
I mean I am thinking about telling them some time soon. Unfortunately, I know I am going to have to.
<3Christina
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Blogger.com
June 22nd, 2006
4:47PM
You know what I’ve been noticing lately? Is that I haven’t been talking to Erin lately. Of course I see her in school and all, but about me being pregnant and all the personal things? I have not spoken to her about any of that. She is still cool with me, and every other person that I WOULDN’T talk to. I mean she still talks to Jude, which I find disrespectful in some ways, but that would be immature of me to be mad at her over a guy. Anyways, I feel like Erin has drifted away from me, like I lost my touch of being her best friend, and her being mine. I don’t know, I feel like if we keep this distance from each other we might learn to grow apart from each other which I wouldn’t want. I’ll probably call her later tonight or something to come over and have sleep over this weekend. It is officially summer time, so hopefully we can catch up on anything I haven’t told her or she hasn’t told me, yet.
<3Christina
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Friday – Afternoon.
June 23rd, 2006
Dear Diary,
Today in school Christina asked me to sleep over her house. Its pretty random for the simple fact we have not talked in a while. It is kind of awkward bring around Christina because I am afraid to offend her or bring up anything about her and Jude, so I stay shut most of the time when it is about her and her baby.
And did I mention that Christina’s baby is the new talk around school? Most of the girls in our grade have noticed, for the past few months, that Christy’s stomach has gotten bigger. Some of the girls have come up to me, asking if she has gained weight, because from the looks of it, she is hiding that belly of hers under a sweater in the middle of the summer in Las Vegas, Nevada. Now isn’t that weird? It is weird to the students who DON’T know about her situation. Some girls have already guessed about her being pregnant, but dare not to say anything—not just yet.
Well, I am heading to her house in about an hour or so. Not in such a bright mood to be heading over to her house. I hope I can recover from feeling like this.
-Erin
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Blogger.com
June 25th, 2006
10:19PM
I feel like this sleep over did nothing to help Erin and I get closer than what we once were. She’s my best friend and it’s so weird we are not as close as we used to be. She left the house leaving this strange vibe that she didn’t want to be around me anymore.
We stayed home all weekend instead of going out because of my condition and all. The things we used to do are not all that fun when I am about three months pregnant.
This whole weekend, I tried to talk to her as much as I used to, though she had nothing much to respond after I brought up a topic to talk about. Usually Erin would go on and on about what’s on her mind and questions things if she is curious about anything. But now our conversations are so dull. Like yesterday, we were in the kitchen making brownies and it got really quiet. So I asked her about that kid Kevin she was talking to at the party two months ago:
“So Erin, how’s that guy you’ve been talking to?”
“What guy?”
“You know… the guy from the party?”
“um… I haven’t talked to any guy from any party”, that’s when she sounded offended.
“Well, I am talking about the guy from the party two months ago—who brought you home? Kevin? Isn’t that his name?”
“Oh…. Him. Oh yeah he’s fine. We’ve been hanging out here and there.”
“Really? Are you guys dating or did you make it official?”
“…Just dating.”
And that was the end of our boring conversation. It’s like she doesn’t want to tell me about what’s up in her life, or what she’s been going through. I mean she hasn’t asked about how I’ve been feeling or doing to deal with the pregnancy for the past two months. What the fuck is up with that? Maybe I am acting too selfish, but c’mon, a best friend has to be concerned about every once and a while right? This girl has not asked about me in a while, nor did she have anything to say about Softball, Jude, me, my life? Is it a bad thing that she hasn’t asked about me?
Enough about me, it is probably to quick to assume that she doesn’t want to be around me.
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